Running Diary: The Grammy's

I'm one of ten people in this world who's been eagerly anticipating the Grammy's all week. Not because I want to see who wins the awards, but because I like to view the slow motion train wreck they like to call entertainment. The Grammy's are notoriously known for being the most boring 3 hours in music, but this year they really have something to prove. The writers have a stockpile of jokes to unleash since they can't use them anywhere else, there look to be some great performances, and to top it all off, the awards show's old sweaty balls turn 50 this year. So without further a-doo-doo, I give you the running diary of my night watching The Grammy's.



8:00: And we're off....Frank Sinatra starts off the show in old black and white tv. Better take another shot to keep this interesting.



8:01: And the Grammy's were just ruined by trying to superimpose Sinatra next to Alicia Keys while she sings. One minute....that might be a record.



8:06: My wife just stepped on stage to sing "Before He Cheats". She'll be taking home a few awards tonight...including me.



8:10: Alicia Keys wins best Female R&B. She pulls an Eli and takes out the queen of R&B, Mary J. How convenient that Keys was just waiting backstage.



8:20: Rihanna's the only chick with a boys haircut that I would marry in a second. I mean, drop dead gorgeous. I guess she's singing too.



8:25: The Band receives the first of what will surely be 12 Lifetime Acheivement Awards handed out tonight. Trust me on this one.



8:26: Brushing The Band off like they never gave them an award, The Beatles tribute performance begins. Already? I thought the Grammy's would have teased this thing right to the very end just to keep people watching. "A Day in the Life">>"Let It Be">>and that's it? That's what I waited for all week? Way to under-deliver.



8:35: Winehouse wins Best New Artist and I'm offically beating Adam's ASS in our friendly competition.



8:38: you're really going to waste my time with this viewer talent competition with a bunch of violins? I'm grabbing a beer. Just let the hot chick win and end this thing.



8:45: Damn they're really pumping out the performances. Kanye and DAFT FUCKIN' PUNK! Good to see Kanye gave some love to the guys responsible for his success. So far my favorite performance of the night. I'm not ashamed to admit I teared up during "Hey Mama". Like you didn't.



8:53: Man Face, I mean, Fergie tries putting together a few notes, unsuccessfully, with John Legend on piano. My ears are bleeding.



9:05: How 'bout those legs on Beyonce? DAMN! She starts a mini performance before throwing things to Tina Turner, who looks like a robot on stage. Reminds me when Sly Stone tried making a comeback a few years ago. Everyone was convinced he was an alien. I'm convinced Tina's breasts are being held up by 2 full rolls of duct tape.



9:09: Beyonce comes back out from a costume change and I think I can see her va-jay-jay. She bangs out "Proud Mary" alongside Tina and covers all the dance moves that Tina can no longer pull off.



9:14: Lifetime achievement award number 2 is given out. Trust me, we have plenty more to come.



9:15: Amy Winhouse wins again! Song of the year this time. Crack can't hold back true talent. Too bad I picked Corinne Bailey Rae. My sleeper pick slaps me in the face. Just a word of advice...once Winehouse wins one award and you tell everyone that she's in London, you don't have to tell me again after she wins another award. I get it. I bet this happens again tonight.



9:20: The shitty talent show winner is about to be announced. Guaranteed its the hot chick. BOOM, damn I'm good. Good thing I voted 13 times for her.



9:21: Foo Fighters begin their performance with guest conductor John Paul Jones. Maybe he can explain to us why Led Zep's not playing bonnaroo. Fighter's decided to take their performance outside away from all the suits. Good move, they're a band of the people. John Paul Jones has no idea how to conduct; he's just standing up there with a baton flailing it around. Side note: This also leaves Amy Winehouse as the only performer left in the Album of the Year category. Looks like she'll be taking home top honors, even though I'm rooting for Foo Fighters.



9:27: They're teasing this Winehouse performance like she's going to be doing it from atop the Berlin Wall or something. We get it; she's on crack, went to rehab, and not allowed in the U.S. The deck is really stacked against her.



9:33: Geroge Lopez just said "The United States! The only country where a black man and a white woman can run for President of the United States!" Read that again if you didn't get it the first time. He just introduced Brad Paisley and I think he's singing about checking a girl for ticks. Country music, folks. Glad you could make it.



9:39: Chris Brown looks like an idiot in that suit. Akon looks like he wants to beat some ass. I'm guessing he didn't win tonight. Best Rap album goes to Kanye. I think we all saw this coming. Are you really going to snub a guy who just sang about his recently deceased mother?

9:39 and 30 Seconds: Ohhh here we go, they start playing the wrap it up music for Kanye and he immediately starts talkin' shit. You just won Best rap Album, be greatful and have some taste. He drops a line about his mom and they cut the music. Yeah, better save your asses from looking bad, Grammy People.



9:42: Lifetime Achievement Award number 3. I don't even know who won this one.



9:50: Gospel Corner just ended. There were 113 people on stage and I have no idea what the hell was going on. Why do they force people to watch these performances every year? Nobody wants to see it. You know what people want to see? Miley Cyrus.



9:57: Lifetime Acheivement Award number 4. Some country singer. Cherish that award! Feist comes out with an acoustic guitar performing "1,2,3,4". Snooze city.



10:00: The American Bad Ass, Kid MOTHERFUCKIN' Rock takes over the stage to show people how to party.....or just stand awkwardly on stage and try his hand at a duet that he doesn't know the words to. This is painful. What happened to "Devil Without a Cause" Kid Rock?



10:04: Best Rock Album goes to Foo Fighter's and I'm looking like Nostrodamus with my picks. Also, "The performance we've all been waiting for" is coming up from Amy Winehouse. Says who? I don't know anyone who's looking forward to this. Maybe if she was all F'd up on stage i'd be looking forward to it, but we know that's not the case. She's going to be clean as a whistle, so where's the excitement?



10:11: Stevie Wonder makes his obvious appearance. Like you didn't know he'd show up. He does every year and doesn't even make music anymore. And what's up with his facial hair? Why does it go around both his upper and lower lips? Creepy.



10:12: Alicia Keys comes back out to perform. Apparently her hair grew 16 inches since she was last seen at 8:00. You won't see this guy complaining though, SECKSY! Borat, I mean, John Mayer joins Keys on stage throwing out some great guitar licks. I'm calling it right now, Best Male Pop Performance next year is John Mayer.



10:18: Vince Gill just took Best Country Album. Suddenly Adam's pick for Vince Gill as Album of the Year makes me nervous. Vince just took a shot at Kanye because he received an award from a Beatle and Kanye didn't. Vince just walked backstage, and mysteriously, you'll never see him again.



10:25: In case you didn't know, the Lifetime Acheivement Award is the most coveted award the Grammy's give out. Two more people just won. That makes 6 on the night.



10:35: Adam and I both score a win with "Umbrella" for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration. Oh, so did Rihanna and Jay-Z, I guess.



10:40: And we go to London via satellite for the performance we've all been waiting for! Is she even allowed to sing "Rehab" anymore? That's like Clay Aiken singing a song about pussy. How can a person honestly clean up this well? Can you imagine wakin up in the morning next to this? She looks great on stage and she's belting out some amazing notes. Smells like an Album of the Year Award.



10:47: I'm just going to abbreviate these from now on....L.A.A. number 7 goes to Doris Day. I think if you were around before 1960 and made any type of music recording, you receive a L.A.A. Meanwhile, Record of the Year goes to Amy Winehouse. How convenient. Yet again another singer wins just after performing. This show is so predictable is pains me to watch. She bursts into tears like she didn't know it was coming. Let's all give Amy a free pass for smoking crack and whoring it up because she put out a catchy song.



10:57: The president of the RIAA just informed us that they've given out almost 400 awards tonight. 375 of those were L.A.A.'s



11:25: Will.I.Am. tries "freestyling" about 50 years of the Grammy's. I kid you not when I say this is the most entertaining thing that's happened in the last 30 minutes. Can't they just cut this show down to 2 hours?



11:28: FINALLY, the award for Album of the Year. Kanye looks deep in meditation as the nominees are announced.



11:29: I'm offically never watching the Grammy Awards again in my life. Herbie Hancock wins album of the year over the likes of Kanye West, Amy Winehouse, and Foo Fighers. I think I heard 6 people in the audience clapping. You want to know why nobody watches the Grammy's? Because people like Herbie Hancock, the butt of a Chris Farley joke, wins Album of the Year.



11:31: Wrap it up B, wrap that shit up!



There you have it folks, the 2007 Grammy Awards. I'm going to find a gun and head to Herbie Hancock's afterparty.

-Josh